18 ways to annoy people
1.leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17inch paper, 99 copies.
2.in the memo field of all of your checks, write "for sensualmassage".
3.specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4.insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running inall weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
5.reply to everything someone says with "that's what youthink".
6.practice making fax and modem noises.
7.highlight irrelevant information in scientific papersand "cc" them to your boss.
8.finish all your sentences with the words "in accordancewith prophecy".
9.signal that a conversation is over by clamping yourhands over your ears.
10. adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people aregreen and insist to others that you "like it that way".
11. repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "doyou hear that?" "what?" "never mind, it's gone now."
12. as much as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. ask people what gender they are.
14. while making presentations, occasionally bob your headlike a parakeet.
15. sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passingcars to see if they slow down.
16. sing along at the opera.
17. go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
18. ask your co-workers mysterious questions and thenscribble their answers in a notebook. mutter something about"psychological profiles".
Definitions of success throughout life
at age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
at age 12, success is...having friends.
at age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
at age 20, success is...having sex.
at age 35, success is...having money.
at age 50, success is...having money.
at age 60, success is...having sex.
at age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
at age 75, success is...having friends.
at age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.
if laura, suzanne, kate and sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other laura, suzanne, kate and sarah. if mike, charlie, dave and john go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as fat boy, godzilla, peanut-head and scrappy.
when the bill arrives, mike, charlie, dave and john will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. none of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. when the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
a man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. the average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. a man would not be able to identify most of these items.
a woman has the last word in any argument. anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
women love cats. men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
a woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
a successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. a successful woman is one who can find such a man.
a woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
a woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. a man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. women somehow deteriorate during the night.
ah, children. a woman knows all about her children. she knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. a man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
10 Commandements of a Teenager
1. Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol lasts longer)
3. Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
Rules of Air Travel
1. every takeoff is optional. every landing is mandatory.
2. if you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. that is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. flying isn't dangerous. crashing is what's dangerous.
4. it's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. the only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. the propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. when in doubt, hold on to your altitude. no one has ever collided with the sky.
8. a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. a 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. learn from the mistakes of others. you won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. you know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. stay out of clouds. the silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. there are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. you start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. the trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. if all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. in the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. good judgment comes from experience. unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
21. it's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. keep looking around. there's always something you've missed.
23. remember, gravity is not just a good idea. it's the law. and it's not subject to repeal.
24. the three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
New FDA alcohol warnings for booze bottles
consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named kong.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Pick up lines that may get you killed
1. if you and i were squirrels, could i bust a nut in your hole?
2. i'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. if it's true that we are what we eat, i could be you by morning!
4. how do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. i was about to go masturbate and i needed a name to go with your face.
6. you are so fine that i'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. my love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in.
8. roses are red. violets are blue. i like spaghetti. let's go fuck.
9. is that a keg in your pants? 'cause i would love to tap that ass!
10. if your right leg was thanksgiving, and your left leg was christmas, could i meet you between the holidays?
Reasons why email is like a male organ
10. those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *e-mail envy.*
7. it's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. in the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. if you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. if you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. we attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. if you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
1. and the number one reason 'why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ': if you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
Rules of life from the male side
we always hear "the rules" from the female side. now here are the rules from the male side. these are our rules. please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.
1. learn to work the toilet seat. you're a big girl. if it's up, put it down. we need it up, you need it down. you don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. sometimes we are not thinking about you. live with it.
1. saturday = sports. it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. let it be.
1. don't cut your hair. ever. long hair is always more attractive than short hair. one of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.
1. shopping is not a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. crying is blackmail.
1. ask for what you want. let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! just say it!
1. we don't remember dates. mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. remind us frequently beforehand.
1. most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. that's what we do. sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. check your oil! please.
1. anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. in fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. if you think you're fat, you probably are. don't ask us. we refuse to answer.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. let us ogle. we are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. not both. if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. christopher columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1.. all men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. we have no idea what mauve is.
1. if it itches, it will be scratched. we do that. it's genetic.
1. we are not mind readers and we never will be. our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. we know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. if you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. when we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. really.
1. don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
1. you have enough clothes.
1. you have too many shoes.
1. no no you really do have too many shoes.
1. it is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. no, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. i'm in shape. round is a shape.
Things not to say to your pregnant wife or girlfriend
"sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"how come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in lamaze?"
"what's the big deal? if you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"yo, fatass! you're blocking the tv!"
"y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that pamela lee had a baby!"
"i sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. boy, that's gotta hurt."
"maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, tawney."
Things you can say at Thanksgiving
1. talk about a huge breast!
2. tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. it's cool whip time!
4. if i don't undo my pants, i'll burst
5. whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. i'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. are you ready for seconds yet?
8. it's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. don't play with your meat.
11. just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once!
13. i didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. you still have a little bit on your chin.
15. how long will it take after you stick it in?
16. you'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. wow, i didn't think i could handle all of that!
18. that's the biggest one i've seen!
19. how long do i beat it before it's ready?
Top Ten: Questions that make you go, "huh?"
1. how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
2. what happens if you get scared to death twice?
3. if the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
4. if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
5. if you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
6. if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. if you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
8. if superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
9. if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
10. why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Top Ten ways to freak out your roommate
10) collect potatoes. paint faces on them and give them names. name one after your roommate. separate your roommate's potato from the others. wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. explain to your roommate, ''he just didn't belong.''
9) move everything to one side of the room. ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) draw a tiny black line on your nose. make it bigger every day. look at it and say, ''the hair, it's growing. growing!''
7) buy some knives. sharpen them every night. while you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''soon, soon....''
6) collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. keep one pencil on the other side of the room. laugh at the pencil.
5) tell your roommate, ''i've got an important message for you.'' then pretend to faint. when you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. later on, say, ''oh, yeah, i remember!'' pretend to faint again. keep this up for several weeks.
4) while your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. when your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) make a sandwich. don't eat it, leave it on the floor. ignore the sandwich. wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) every time your roommate walks in yell, ''hooray! you're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) talk back to your rice krispies. all of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''no, i want to watch them suffer.'''
How to scare your roommate
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.