Coyote Control

a few years ago, the sierra club and the u.s. forest service were presenting an alternative to wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. it seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

what they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

all of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"son, i don't think you understand the problem. those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."


Smart Monkey

a guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. he orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. the monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

the bartender is livid and says to the guy, "did you see what your monkey just did?"

"no. what did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"yeah, well i hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

the guy finishes his drink and leaves.

two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. he orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. while the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. he grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. the bartender is disgusted.

"did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"what now?" responds the patron. "well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"


The Mole Family

a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
the baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "geez, all i can smell is....



The Rabbi's Parrots

a woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "hi! we're hookers. want to have some fun?"

to her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day davening in their cage. he's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house,his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

the next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. as she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kipah and tiny tallis and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. sure enough, as soon as she places her parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: ...."hi! we're hookers. want to have some fun?"

one of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other,squawking: "moishe, put the frickin' book down. our prayers have been answered."


The Three Mice

three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

one mouse orders a large scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "when i see a mousetrap, i lie on my back and set it off with my foot. when the bar comes down, i catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

the second mouse orders up two tumblers of jim beam, slurps them down in quick succession, slamming each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse,and replies: "yeah, well when i see rat poison, i collect as much as i can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so i can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

the macho mice then turn to the third mouse, butch, to see what he has to say about it. butch lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "i don't have time for this crap. i've gotta go home and screw the cat."


The Zookeeper and the Boys

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.

the first boy says, "my name's tommy and i was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

the second boy says, "my name's billy and i was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

the third boy says, "my name is peanuts."



A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens." "Look what it's done to me." "Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, and says, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn, third gay
rooster I bought this month."


The Zoo

kimo is a bus driver for the honolulu transit company. one day kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. the van driver works for the honolulu zoo. he pleads with kimo to do him a favor.

he offers a $100 bill to kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. agreeing, kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. then, off they drive towards the zoo.

an hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. as he's driving down the road, he see's kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. he turns his van around and chases in pursuit. he finally catches up to the bus and pulls over kimo on the side of the road. in an irate voice he asks, "hey, kimo. i thought i gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"calm down," kimo says. "i took the penguins to the zoo. we had change left over, so now i'm taking them to the movies!"